drama3008 on Xanga

Weblog

Thursday, 27 August 2009

It's not fair that I don't want to ask for money... get criticized when I finally do for not asking in a more assertive manner, then get a 20 minute speech on why my dad doesn't want to give me money.

I'd almost not even bother with it. I'd like to just say forget it I'll figure it out on my own without you because it's not like I ever really needed you for anything. I'd like to say that mom and me have been figuring out things fine for a while and we don't really need any help from someone who doesn't want to help anyway. I'd like to just forget about it, to just sign the loan without him and get on with my life and then later laugh at him when he sees that I'm did everything without his help because I never needed it.

But I can't.

I don't have anyone else to sign this loan not while mom is trying to fix her credit. And it's not like he isn't helping. He is and it would be great... that is if he didn't sit there and make it seem like he does everything and never gets thanks for it. I've been working since I was 15. Since I was 13 I've paid for almost everything extra that I get. He doesn't see that I am an independent person by nature and I don't want help (not that I don't need it).

Then! He sits there and tells me that the things that I've been passionate about for almost 10 years aren't enough to get by. He tells me that I need to do something different. He has it stuck in his mind that the only job I'll ever get is with a camera on a shitty independent flick. Well no. I can do more than that. The entire entertainment industry can be at my disposal. There are careers in film that are behind the scenes that he doesn't see and doesn't want to.

I don't wanna teach. I don't wanna be a nurse. Shove it up your ass. I'm going to do what I want and pay you back every cent then I don't want to hear from you ever again unless you need something. Then we'll sit down: me, you, and your wife. We can discuss how I don't want to lend you money because it's an inconvenience to me.

FUCK I'M JUST SO MAD.

nvm. forget it.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Panda!

I don't think I could be much happier right now... well maybe if I were back at school... but for now I'm so abundantly overjoyed at what life has thrown at me. I was so paranoid that I'd be miserable this summer (what with crashing and totaling my car and all) but it's quite the contrary actually.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

The Future and Getting to It

I'm a part of a WORLD PREMIER theatrical piece! Attending this theatrical piece will be a renown composer. Professional actors are turning to me to solve problems backstage. I'm meeting people with more talent in their left hand than I have ever known before.

So why the hell am I a film major when I have devoted forty hours to Mandell Theatre last weekend and haven't been on a shoot since The Date which happened over a month ago?

As much work and dedication that goes into theater, I don't think that I will ever want to stray away from it. All of the stress, breakdowns, and sudden illnesses suddenly seem worth it when I realize Shit, I'm doing something big right now.

I love having being an ASM, I am really excited to actually stage manage next year (hopefully).

So to reiterate, why am I a film major? I haven't done anything with it recently. This wouldn't be such a problem if Drexel had a theater major. I wouldn't feel as lost about it all. Any other related major requires so much business education that I'm deterred from it.

sigh...

Tuesday, 07 April 2009

Going Away and Giving Up

I think I realized today that I'm never going to get close to anyone. It's not that I don't want to, but that I don't want to face the eventuality that they will in fact go away. I find that things such as life long friends do in fact turn into acquaintances. This could be cold on my part. Actually I can guarantee that it's cold on my part. But this thought is what keeps me up at night.

Hessa is leaving tomorrow night. It was a surprise to everyone even me who knows that the worse will always happen. She's not even one of my closest friends here, but I'm on the brink of tears knowing that she's going away to be swallowed up by the deserts of Qatar.

They all hate me outside. I could see it when I said good-night. "Why isn't she staying up with us?" "Doesn't she care?" I care! But I'm so concerned with letting any true internal emotion spill and bubble up that I would rather appear cold and indifferent than let them all know that I care at all.

Deep down I'm not the bubbly person that I appear on the surface. Even to the people who thought that they knew my deepest darkest points, there are things that you couldn't possibly know about me because I would prefer them to be forever locked away than to see the light of day.

I couldn't possibly let anyone know what I'm thinking or feeling. I don't know how to let anyone see the me that actually exhibits emotion. What good is crying over it? What could it possibly accomplish? Nothing. They leave, and I still end up broken up over it. I'm still left to pick up the pieces of my own emotional tornado.

So to everyone who ever saw me and thought I didn't care. I did. I do. I will probably always care about the people around me to an extend far greater than any of you could imagine. I just don't show it.

Like everyone else, I don't want to lose anyone. I don't want to have an empty place in my life. It'll happen. I know it will. Pretending not to care or trying on a mask of coldheartedness will never keep me from growing close to anyone. It'll just keep others from growing close to me.

This is why I am incapable of holding a relationship. I have to accept this and do something about it. I'd like to say that after writing this I'm going to go and sit with Hessa, Kevin, Caleigh, and everyone but I know that really I'll cuddle under my blankets, shed a few tears, fake a new life outlook, and finally go to sleep.

I'm not good at this living thing. The basic human emotions that I should have welling up and spewing out onto those around me seem to have dried up and since then left me barren and wasted.

I'm a waste of life, of a body, of an artist. Whatever I'm on this earth to do, I can promise you that right now it's not getting done. I'd like to tell you all that I will change, but this isn't a movie. There is no character arc. I am what I am. I will always be a introvert at heart. I will always try to desperately hide my colors to the others around me.

Try not to hate me too much for all of my self pity. Believe it or not this was actually supposed to be about Hessa... They're probably happier now that I've shut myself in the dark confines of room 193.

Remember me Hessa. I will try my damnedest to go to Qatar. Even if you don't remember me, I will try to visit you again. I want to know that you are well and that everything is good.
I'm sorry to anyone I hurt by being so indifferent. I'm sorry.
Thank you anyone who reads this. Just assuming that one person stumbles upon my apologies to the world leaves me know that at least someone out there knows that I'm sorry for being so... cold.
I'm sorry in advance, because I know that I'm too afraid of rejection to actually apologize to them in person. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I lie to you all because I know that's what you wanted to here.

xx I'm sorry xx

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Well I'm not brooding anymore

So update on my life. I had a recent spout of WTFAMIGOINGTODO. Now that's over. I'm living at the theater once more, I'm ASMing Red Herring... in actuality I think I do more work than Senor Steve. But hey that's just me.
Oh and I got flowers for Valentine's day.... and umm this little explanation of my current lovelife.
Last night was the first time I fell asleep with a guy. Even thinking of it now I realize how different this is for me. I woke up to him breathing on the back on my neck and I felt a rush that I've never felt before. I remember him shifting in his sleep in an attempt to keep me comfortable, and I don't think anyone has ever gone out of the way for me in that way. Perhaps I'm making to much of this.
I've never felt so happy when someone simply rubs my back. The moment he and I make physical contact I'm in an instant state of ecstasy. At rehearsal I got so miserable and then I remembered that I was meeting up with him later.
Never have I ever felt so comfortable around someone.
Damnit it feels so good. And I'm so happy that I've had to wait this long to feel this tingle. If not I probably wouldn't be nearly as happy about it as I am now.
I'm so happy now despite the stresses of... well life.